ROFL's a pleanty :)

In United States of America they invented a machine that catches thieves; they took it out to different countries for a test:

USA , in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,·
Ghana , in 10 minutes it caught 6000 thieves,·
Nigeria , in 5 minutes the machine was stolen at the port.

THE WATCH

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of
lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

Can you solve this puzzle? <


You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles which won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?






* Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round. *

Exbitch was in bed with a man (not her husband). <

All of a sudden, they heard a
noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk; he isn’t going to notice
you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful
than the thought of getting caught in bed with Exbitch, so he trusted her advice.
Sure enough, Exbitch's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers
over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of
the bed!"

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them
again."

The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, and
four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"

Manx ive said this once and ill sya it again ur the biggest noob i know but god your funny haha! where do you get all these from?

Your mum!

how would you know that lol!

I know your mum very well

marriage <

A conversation before marriage...

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She : Do you want me to leave?

He : No! Don't even think about it.

She : Do you love me?

He : Of course! Over and over!

She : Have you ever cheated on me?

He : No! Why are you even asking?

She : Will you kiss me?

He : Every chance I get.

She : Will you hit me?

He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She : Can I trust you?

He : Yes.

She : Darling!

To read a conversation after marriage, simply read this in reverse...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4r3R7uQEEg

I think he raises some quality points

HAHAHAHA Davegod more family members? ROFL

9 Words Women Use <

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of
nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking
you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a
"whatever".

( Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ____ YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Where's my damn coffee? <

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"